This time around has been similar and different from my other pregnancies. Similar in that my symptoms have been similar, different in that I’m more stressed and anxious this time around. It all comes back to fear, one fear being “How the heck am I going to do five kids? And run a business?” Mostly the business part. For the last six months, I’ve been in a really great place with work and with the kids. They are all old enough that we’ve been in a groove, and Soren and I have even been able to travel for work alone for the first time ever. A baby takes us back to square one again, and most of me loves that, but the pressure of running a company definitely feels more overwhelming than ever before.
I love being a mom and I love babies, but pregnancy—not so much. As much as being pregnant is a blessing, it’s also hard. And since I’ve been through it 4+ times before, I remember everything I’m getting myself into again. I’ve blogged about it before, but my first trimesters are always really hard. Not because I get super sick, although I was sicker this time around, but because of how I feel in every other way.
Today I thought I’d share some of the things that gave me the hint I was pregnant before I broke down and took the test. These symptoms have come with every pregnancy, and they are why I don’t love to be pregnant. While I don’t really have and definitely don’t want the nausea and morning sickness that some of my friends get, I have learned that there are less-often discussed side effects of pregnancy that are also really tough. I always experience these in my first-ish trimester, and I wish I had understood them sooner! Now they are almost more of a cue than anything else that I may be pregnant.
I share all of that to say, the first trimester can be hard in so many different ways. It’s taken me six pregnancies to realize these things about myself. When I was pregnant with my first or second, I didn’t have the self-awareness to see all of these things as pregnancy symptoms. It just felt like a shockingly hard time of life. But at least now I know better. I know that once I turn the corner of my first trimester and start my second that I will start feeling more like me. All of the above symptoms will change into something more physical, like bigger varicose veins, restless leg syndrome, and a very motivated nesting period. I’ll have hope again and friends again, and I’ll even like people again. (Although that being said, I’m in my second trimester and I’m not exactly chipper and sunshiny yet.)
This first trimester has been extra difficult because of the move and the flood and summer with kids home in general. All of those things are hard. But they are even harder when your hormones are telling you all kinds of crazy and terrible things. So if I haven’t seemed like myself here or on social media or in real life, this is why. I have so much empathy for anyone who deals with these things on a regular basis. It’s tough and it’s humbling.
Hopefully sharing these things helps someone else who may be wondering why they feel like such a meany or a downer or an extra-introvert while pregnant. It’s not just you. I’m still here, still super blessed and super hopeful to be myself again soon. 🙂