When I was going through therapy for an eating disorder, a big part of treatment and “getting better” was identifying when I was using food to cope. I wasn’t told to stop emotional eating, but taught to recognizing when it was happening. Recognizing downing a sleeve (to two) of Oreos as a red flag for an emotional issue has been such a helpful tool since then. I can tell something is off when I’m reaching into the candy jar ALL DAY LONG.
Well this week- there has not been enough candy, brownies or cookies in the house for the emotional eating going on. And it feels terrible. So rather than eat some more handfuls of chocolate chips (like I said, the good stuff is long gone), why not blog about it?
What feeling am I looking to escape with my handfuls of M&M’s, fruit snacks, granola bars and cereal? Oh, just the feeling of being HELD HOSTAGE. It is wearing me out. I feel like my kids are holding me hostage for 23.5 hours of the day. We have enough kids now that I can fix what is wrong with number one, then help the second and by the time the third is set to go, the first child has melted down again. If Knox naps all morning he wakes up just in time for the other two to fall asleep for the afternoon. I feel like every night I get the baby in bed and then go through the circus routine of bedtime with the other two. Who wakes up needing to burp the very SECOND that I get Easton and Kesler in bed? You guessed it.
I realize that I am complaining. I probably shouldn’t even post this because just writing it down has helped a lot. I honestly I love being a stay at home mom. This SAHM gig has a tough learning curve though. The moment you catch up you are behind again and with every child comes a lot of stretching and learning how to function as a bigger family and a mom of more kids. I am CONSTANTLY choosing between what I personally (and often selfishly) want to do and what others need from me.
I hate that all day long I am trying to escape from my kids and filled with regret about it at the end of the day. But it’s hard. That is really what I am trying to say. Learning how to take care of three, often four, other humans is hard. In case you feel the same, I’m struggling with it and feeling inadequate about it too.
So what to do about it? First just accept it. Accept that this is the life that I chose and choose everyday to live. Accept that my life is not about just me and rarely will be ever again.
Pray. I need to pray more for help. Pray for patience. Pray to love anything and everything that comes along each day. Pray for more stamina, strength and for my abilities to be increased. I know I’ll be supported because this is where God wants me to be.
And I need to take more things off my plate and find more time to recharge. Both of these things sound almost impossible right now, but choosing sleep over a project or reading a good book instead of Pinterest every so often would probably go a long way.
And in case you were wondering, what about your hubby? My husband is great. He helps when he can, but he still works long hours and is also ready for a break at the end of the day. Because he has a busy day job and works at night for me, his time is so limited. It is expensive in time for me to get out while he watches the kids. And its even harder to get out together!
So, I’m not really asking for sympathy or answers- I just wanted to be real and tell you that
A.) I’m fessing up to eating all of the sugar cookies we made recently. I really didn’t take any to the friends or neighbors that they were intended for.
B.) This is why. I’m struggling. I’m overwhelmed. I’m behind and I feel like a hostage.
C.) I might snarl the next time we are out and someone tells me that I have my hands full. CLEARLY PEOPLE. CLEARLY.