As far as the positive side goes, not being pregnant right now has been a huge blessing. I have been living on no sleep, not enough water, lots of meds and plenty of stress as we have been working long hours and filling Christmas orders. I can’t imagine adding a growing belly, heartburn and more fatigue. I’ve been through pregnancy a few times and although mine aren’t terrible, they aren’t a cake walk. This is a physically demanding season of life and I can definitely see the silver lining of not being pregnant as far as my health goes.
I’m also so grateful for the chance to really enjoy Knox being the baby. Because I didn’t (and don’t) think he was our last, I don’t think I really made the most of his time as a baby. But now? I am soaking him up. He is such a sweet baby and although technically not still a baby- he is my baby and I kinda wish I could keep him that way forever.
And although those are the positives that have come out of the miscarriage, I have been surprised at how hard some of the little reminders are. For example, I find its hard when people ask me how many kids I have. I surprise myself when I start to say four, but really mean to say three. I guess that in my head I had already moved on to the number four, so going backwards feels weird.
It’s also annoying when I get pregnancy updates from Baby Center every week telling me how far along I am and how difficult it is to unsubscribe to those emails. Why do I have to sign in for that? Why?
I feel slightly envious of friends that are pregnant because we were going to be pregnant together. Or I was going to be the next one to have a baby. Not to mention just plain feeling baby hungry when I see birth announcements, tiny baby clothes or someone planning a nursery.
The hardest part has probably been feeling such a loss and not knowing what to do with it. I am pro-life so obviously I believe life begins before birth- but this whole miscarriage has made me ask questions that never mattered to me before. Do I really have four kids? Do we have a baby in heaven? Or is the loss I feel because we lost a potential life? It’s pretty heavy stuff and in general I just feel like hiding from that side of it.
But I’m fine! Really. To be honest I’m fine. I’m fine because I have faith in God’s plan. I have faith that because of the Savior all things will be restored and made right- whatever that means for us. It doesn’t make that pain all gone or fix everything now, but that’s okay. We have so many joys and happiness in our life (like three awesome boys!) that we can still feel good and move forward.
If you have suffered a similar loss, I’m where you are. Thank you for your words, support and love. I know they have been another blessing for our family this year.